


Mad World

by the_awkward_nerd



Category: Psych
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 06:12:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2611319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_awkward_nerd/pseuds/the_awkward_nerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shawn lies in the hospital and Lassiter struggles to cope. Established relationship Shassie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so be kind but constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated :)  
> Sorry if they're a little OOC. I'm working on finding their voices.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

Carlton listened to the heart monitor beat out a steady rhythm. He knew this heartbeat. He had listened to it so many times, his head against Shawn’s chest, comforted by the quiet, sure tempo. This, though, was the furthest sound from comforting.

He looked at Shawn’s face, barely visible behind the oxygen mask and tubes. His eyes closed, his face peaceful.

_Peaceful_. Lassiter almost smiled. Peaceful. Not a word he would usually use to describe Shawn. His crazy antics, prancing around crime scenes and having “psychic” visions all around the station. Dancing around their apartment and always being the first to jump up and sing karaoke at the bar.

He looked at the man in the bed again. Shawn was never peaceful, he was vibrant and energetic and _alive_. This wasn't Shawn, this was just an empty shell of the man he loved.

“Why did I ever let myself fall in love with you, Shawn Spencer?” Carlton asked softly.

He could almost hear Shawn’s answer. _“You didn’t let yourself fall in love with me Lassie-face, I_ made _you fall in love with me.”_ And he was right, really. Shawn was a force, a tornado of charisma, bad jokes, and 80’s references, and Lassiter couldn’t help but be sucked in. And now, here he was, sitting by Shawn’s bedside, the tornado barely a gentle breeze, watching him slip away.

There was a quiet knock at the open door, and Lassiter turned his head to see Juliet. “How is he today?” she asked, coming to his side.

“The same as always,” Carlton sighed.

She stood next to him in silence, shifting her weight uneasily. The head detective could tell she wanted to say something but didn’t want to disturb him.

“What is it?”

She looked at the floor. “How much longer are you going to keep him like this?”

“As long as it takes.”

“Carlton…he isn’t coming back from this.”

“You think I don’t know that?” he almost shouted.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Jules replied softly. “I just hate seeing you like this. You have to let him go eventually.”

“I have to give him every opportunity. Every chance. He deserves that.”

Juliet looked at him, full of concern. “It’s not your fault, you know.”

Carlton blinked back tears. “I should have been there. I should have protected him.” He had been struggling with the guilt for weeks as Shawn lay in the hospital. “As a detective, as a boyfriend, it was my responsibility to keep him safe, and I failed.”

She sat on the arm of the chair and gently rubbed his back. “It wasn’t your fault. It was just a bad situation.”

The knot in his throat tightened. _I should have known something was wrong when he didn’t answer his phone for two hours._ By the time he did realize something was off, it was too late.

Juliet spoke again. “You need to go home and get some rest. I’ll sit with him for now.”

He nodded, getting up from the chair and giving her a hug. He walked to the bed and leaned over to kiss Shawn on the forehead, pulling aside the tubes that obscured his face. Then he turned to the door, his head down, a tear threatening to escape, and hurried out.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Shawn? Shawn!” Carlton ran to the body on the floor. Shawn looked up at him, laying in a pool of his own blood. He smiled weakly. “Carly. I knew you’d come for me.”_

_“Oh my god Shawn, what- Shawn-“ Lassiter dropped to his knees._

_“Hey, Lassie, it’s okay,” Shawn whispered. Carlton tried to pick him up, but Shawn moaned in pain. “I think…if you move me I’ll bleed more.”_

_Cursing, Lassiter pulled out his phone and called 911. Shawn wasn’t losing blood very quickly, but he’d been here for a while._

_“Carlton…please…” Shawn’s speech was getting more unintelligible. “Hold me.”_

_Lassiter put his arms around him, not noticing or caring that his suit was getting covered in blood. “It’s okay, you’re going to be okay,” he said, trying not to cry._

_“It’s just like in Phantom Menace. I’m Liam Neeson and you’re Ewan McGregor,” Shawn mumbled._

_“Shut up Shawn, you’re not going to die.”_

_“Oh Lassie…always so stubborn…”_

_“Shawn, just hold on. The ambulance is almost here.”_

_Shawn’s words were slurring together. “Carly…I love you…”_

_Carlton’s tears were falling on Shawn’s face. “I love you too Shawn.” He leaned down to kiss Shawn, but he was already unconscious. He tasted the metallic tang of blood on his lips. “Shawn. SHAWN. Say something….come back…” A sob escaped his lips._

_The EMTs rushed in and everything was a blur. His hands slick with blood, Shawn being wheeled away, the paramedics performing CPR, the flashing lights, Shawn disappearing into the ambulance…_

Lassiter opened his eyes, his heart pounding and his pillow wet with tears. He relived it every night; the nightmare plagued him every time he tried to sleep. He had to look at his hands to reassure himself that they weren’t covered in blood. He rolled over and looked at the clock. 3:27 AM. He knew from experience he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again for several hours. Sighing, Lassiter pulled the blankets aside and got up. He looked at the bed. It was too big now; it felt empty without Shawn. Carlton reached over and pulled Shawn’s pillow to his chest. Breathing in, he could vaguely smell the familiar scent of pineapple, Old Spice, and a beach breeze. Shawn didn’t smell like this anymore, just the cold, clean smell of hospitals.

He threw the pillow back on the bed and walked slowly to the kitchen. The fridge was covered in Psych magnets and case notes. Everything in the apartment reminded him of Shawn, which made him want sell and go somewhere else, but he couldn’t leave for the same reason.

The apartment felt empty and lifeless. It was so quiet; not a peaceful silence, but an oppressive stillness. The CD player Shawn had insisted on bringing sat in the corner, blinking at him. The detective pushed play, wanting to break the silence.

Tears for Fears trickled out of the speakers. _All around me are familiar faces, worn out places…_ It would be Shawn’s music. Another reminder of what he was losing. Another stab in the heart.

Carlton remembered Juliet’s words from earlier. _You have to let him go eventually._ How was he supposed to let go of the one person he loved more than anything else?

_I want to drown my sorrow…no tomorrow, no tomorrow…_

Lassiter had spent most of his life with something missing. His marriage to Victoria had been a disaster and it had convinced him he would never fit in or find love, so he buried himself in his work. Then Shawn shoved his way into his life and changed it all.

_I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad_

Shawn was ridiculous and Carlton wanted to hate him but beneath the silliness was someone who understood him. Shawn never complained about the long hours or gun obsession or anything else Victoria and everyone else he’d met had hated. Lassiter had never been accepted like that.

_The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had_

And now Shawn was dying. Dying because he was working a case. Dying because Carlton hadn’t protected him.

_I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take_

How many crooks had gotten away, or were sitting in jail, perfectly healthy? And it was Shawn Spencer, one of the best damn crime solvers he’d ever seen, laying in the hospital bed.

_People run in circles it’s a very very mad world…_

It was Shawn dying. Not some felon, not even him. It was the brightest light in the universe that was going out. It was the man he loved.

_No one knew me…look right through me_

Lassiter slammed his fist on the table. This wasn’t fair.

_I find it kind of funny, I find it-_

His fist connected with the CD player and it went flying off the table. _THIS IS WRONG._ He started kicking and shoving the furniture.

“WHY?”

 _CRASH_.

“WHY SHAWN?”

_BANG._

“WHY THE FUCK DID IT HAVE-“

_CRACK._

“TO-“

_SMACK._

“BE-“

_BOOM._

“SHAWN!”

He sank down on the floor, tears spilling down his face. Chairs were scattered around the room, the table lay on its side. Papers were strewn all over the floor. The room was silent except for his sobs. Eventually he fell asleep, hunched in the corner.


	3. Chapter 3

Carlton stood by the hospital bed. “It’s time,” he said quietly.

They were all there. Henry stood across the bed from Lassiter. Next to him was Gus. Juliet took her place next to Carlton.

The doctor nodded. “Okay. I’m going to unhook the ventilator that’s breathing for him, and then we can get rid of all of these tubes. His breathing and heart rate will slow down and then stop. It could take a few hours at the longest.” She looked up. “Are you ready?”

Carlton looked across the bed, and Henry gave a curt nod. “Yes,” Lassiter answered.

The doctor removed the tubes and for the first time in weeks, Shawn looked like Shawn. Carlton could almost forget what was happening, staring into that face.

Shawn’s breathing gradually slowed and the beeps on the monitor grew further apart. Lassiter felt his breathing slow down too, as if he was connected to Shawn. He pulled a chair over and sat there, holding Shawn’s hand. He stared at the face he knew so well and willed those eyes to open one more time or those lips to smile just for him.

The minutes passed and they shuffled around, sitting, standing, pacing. Waiting. Gus tried to start a conversation but his attempt fell flat. No one could think of anything to say.

It felt like an eternity, waiting for Shawn’s body to shut down completely. The beeping grew even slower and it was hard to tell if he was breathing at all. Carlton felt a tear slip down his cheek.

_Beep._

Carlton had heard that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re dying. Shawn was the one dying, but Lassiter was the one watching their relationship fly by in seconds.

 _Beep_.

Their first meeting, Shawn dancing around the station telling everyone things he couldn’t possibly know, solving the case and making Lassiter extremely angry.

_Beep._

Lassiter’s begrudging acceptance of Shawn as he proved to be good at solving crimes, despite his ridiculous methods and carefree façade.

Their first kiss, when Shawn, in a very un-Shawn-like manner, cornered Lassie to ask him about his feelings, and all Carlton could do was kiss him.

_Beep._

The awkward first date at a fancy restaurant, as Lassiter insisted on doing it by the book, and Shawn felt out of place. Afterwards, Shawn dragging him to his apartment to watch CHiPs, and it was fun and for the first time Carlton thought this might not be a mistake.

The lying as they dated in secret because Shawn was afraid of Henry’s reaction and Lassiter was afraid of backlash at the station.

Shawn finally marching to the middle of the station one day and yelling, “Carlton Lassiter is my boyfriend!” and to everyone’s shock and amazement, Lassie just smiled.

_Beep._

The dates that ranged from Star Trek marathons to restaurants to tours on Shawn’s motorcycle to shooting at the gun range.

Shawn finally getting the courage to tell Carlton the truth about his psychic abilities, but Carlton silencing him before he could speak because he already knew and no longer cared.

The day Lassiter finally asked Shawn to move in with him, and Shawn’s enthusiastic reply.

Staying up late, sometimes to talk over cases, sometimes just to cuddle, sometimes both.

Shawn’s kisses and hugs and his laugh and his smell and his bedhead and his smile.

_Beep._

A long, long silence.

_Beeeeeeeeeeeee…_

The beep became a long tone telling them Shawn was gone. The doctor came in and turned off the monitor. She said something but Lassiter couldn’t hear; it felt like he was underwater. Everything was garbled, in slow motion. It all felt surreal. He couldn’t let go of Shawn’s hand. He felt Juliet reaching over to gently pry his hand open, and he let her. He muttered something to his partner and left the room, not wanting to look at Shawn.

He stumbled to his car and drove home in a daze, barely noticing the stop sign he blew, barely feeling the impact of the pickup truck, barely sensing the pain shooting through him. Barely aware he was being put into an ambulance. Barely conscious as he was returned to the hospital he was trying to escape.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Lassiter was out of the hospital in a couple of days with a broken arm and a few cracked ribs. Juliet admonished him for running a stop sign but he could see her worry underneath. He reassured her he was fine, even though they both knew it was a lie.

He returned to the empty apartment. The furniture was still a mess and he tiredly rearranged it with one hand.

There was a framed picture of the two of them on the counter that Shawn had insisted on taking at the Pineapple Festival he had dragged him to. Carlton picked it up and stared; he wanted to cry, but he was out of tears. He sank down on the couch and closed his eyes, trying to imagine Shawn next to him, pretending that all of this was just a bad dream. But of course, he wasn’t, it was all real, and Carlton Lassiter was alone again.


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last (short) chapter of my first fic... any advice/critiques or reviews would be awesome and helpful! Thanks so much for reading :)

_Three Months Later_

 

It was a chilly day for Santa Barbara and Lassiter wore a jacket as he walked across the grass. He carried a plastic bag from the local grocery store in one hand.

He saw what he was looking for and stopped short.

“Hey Shawn,” the detective said, looking at the headstone. “I know it’s been a while. I was trying to get up the courage to come.”

He looked at the ground and smiled. “I know, it’s hard to imagine me being afraid of something. I just didn’t know what I would say. I still don’t know, actually.” He paused. “Here, I brought you something.”

He opened the bag. “I know people usually bring flowers, but I thought you’d like this better.” Carlton pulled out a pineapple and leaned it against the stone. “I had to fight an old lady for this, so you better appreciate it,” he said, smiling. “I always knew you were a bad influence on me.”

Wind tousled his hair and all he could feel was Shawn’s fingers running through his salt and pepper mane. “I miss you,” he whispered. The wind whispered back and Carlton closed his eyes. “I love you too, Shawn.”

The detective straightened the pineapple before turning his back and walking back to his car, humming.

_It’s very very mad world…_


End file.
